I want to disappear.
Oct. 30th, 2025 03:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
earlysnsetsfrmuggingsevery single time i think about coming out i end up feeling sick to the point where i almost faint or shove myself down because i know that if i come out, everything will get worse. my parents, school, mental health, everything. but it feels so imprisoning to be shut into this body, this persona, i feel like im drowning. the worst part is that either way, if i come out or not, it'll always get worse. i can already tell by my life right now that things are never going to get better, not permanently. and i can't tell if im okay with that or not. sometimes i feel safe with the way i am, i feel like being truly happy again would just be weird. but other times i want to get up out of bed, i want to live the life i should be living, but i cant. all because i had to be trapped in this fucking hellhole.
if i do come out, i can't even imagine how bad school will be. and home would be even worse. it makes the suicidal thoughts so bad, and the only way i can get rid of them is by relapsing. theres something about the sting, the blood, the pain, that makes me feel calm. its my fucked up way of achieving peace with myself. but I can't do it anymore. my mum found out, and now shes always staring at my arms like they're some sort of fucking zoo animal.
and what makes everything so exhausting all the time is the constant mask im wearing. to everyone i know im a (somewhat) mentally okay girl who just likes talking about music, but deep down im forcing screams of pain and agony from my mind down because i cant break in front of people. it happened once, im not letting it happen again. but i need to take this mask off. its the only way I can heal. i have to let myself break to get better again, but i cant. i can't deal with any more pain, suffering, bullying, teasing, and it makes me sick. im so sick and tired of not being able to do anything about it. it feels like im just a puppet master in control of my body, because i know my body isnt who i am.
but i don't even know who i am anymore. i have so many personalities that I change from to the point where reality and identity is distorted to me. i dont know which one is me, i never feel right in my skin.
I want to disappear.
if i do come out, i can't even imagine how bad school will be. and home would be even worse. it makes the suicidal thoughts so bad, and the only way i can get rid of them is by relapsing. theres something about the sting, the blood, the pain, that makes me feel calm. its my fucked up way of achieving peace with myself. but I can't do it anymore. my mum found out, and now shes always staring at my arms like they're some sort of fucking zoo animal.
and what makes everything so exhausting all the time is the constant mask im wearing. to everyone i know im a (somewhat) mentally okay girl who just likes talking about music, but deep down im forcing screams of pain and agony from my mind down because i cant break in front of people. it happened once, im not letting it happen again. but i need to take this mask off. its the only way I can heal. i have to let myself break to get better again, but i cant. i can't deal with any more pain, suffering, bullying, teasing, and it makes me sick. im so sick and tired of not being able to do anything about it. it feels like im just a puppet master in control of my body, because i know my body isnt who i am.
but i don't even know who i am anymore. i have so many personalities that I change from to the point where reality and identity is distorted to me. i dont know which one is me, i never feel right in my skin.
I want to disappear.
