![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
so they are from either DC or Marvel (they work for both it doesn't really matter) I'm just gonna outline some stuff abt them here
- their full name is Malachi Ivanov
- their code name / generally known as "Matrix"
(may i just say this oc is very inspired by our queen wanda.)
- they were a failed (but for the better) experiment, causing them to have powers which:
allow them to manipulate reality
use mind control
teleport themselves or others
- they grew up being used as a weapon by a company their parents gave them to
- when they did grow up and had their own mind, they escaped the company and became an anti-hero.
- they began to make friends with a few people, those being the "heroes" in the world (e.g the avengers or teen titans)
- they joined the group (or made their own), yet still wanted to be primarily independent.
- they learned to limit their powers, not being too destructive after seeing the damage they caused.
- I don't know what else rn but Matrix sounds cool as hell righhhttttt
anyways don't mind this post... I mean it's the first post in a month LMAO but yk.
- their full name is Malachi Ivanov
- their code name / generally known as "Matrix"
(may i just say this oc is very inspired by our queen wanda.)
- they were a failed (but for the better) experiment, causing them to have powers which:
allow them to manipulate reality
use mind control
teleport themselves or others
- they grew up being used as a weapon by a company their parents gave them to
- when they did grow up and had their own mind, they escaped the company and became an anti-hero.
- they began to make friends with a few people, those being the "heroes" in the world (e.g the avengers or teen titans)
- they joined the group (or made their own), yet still wanted to be primarily independent.
- they learned to limit their powers, not being too destructive after seeing the damage they caused.
- I don't know what else rn but Matrix sounds cool as hell righhhttttt
anyways don't mind this post... I mean it's the first post in a month LMAO but yk.
I want to disappear.
Oct. 30th, 2025 03:33 amevery single time i think about coming out i end up feeling sick to the point where i almost faint or shove myself down because i know that if i come out, everything will get worse. my parents, school, mental health, everything. but it feels so imprisoning to be shut into this body, this persona, i feel like im drowning. the worst part is that either way, if i come out or not, it'll always get worse. i can already tell by my life right now that things are never going to get better, not permanently. and i can't tell if im okay with that or not. sometimes i feel safe with the way i am, i feel like being truly happy again would just be weird. but other times i want to get up out of bed, i want to live the life i should be living, but i cant. all because i had to be trapped in this fucking hellhole.
if i do come out, i can't even imagine how bad school will be. and home would be even worse. it makes the suicidal thoughts so bad, and the only way i can get rid of them is by relapsing. theres something about the sting, the blood, the pain, that makes me feel calm. its my fucked up way of achieving peace with myself. but I can't do it anymore. my mum found out, and now shes always staring at my arms like they're some sort of fucking zoo animal.
and what makes everything so exhausting all the time is the constant mask im wearing. to everyone i know im a (somewhat) mentally okay girl who just likes talking about music, but deep down im forcing screams of pain and agony from my mind down because i cant break in front of people. it happened once, im not letting it happen again. but i need to take this mask off. its the only way I can heal. i have to let myself break to get better again, but i cant. i can't deal with any more pain, suffering, bullying, teasing, and it makes me sick. im so sick and tired of not being able to do anything about it. it feels like im just a puppet master in control of my body, because i know my body isnt who i am.
but i don't even know who i am anymore. i have so many personalities that I change from to the point where reality and identity is distorted to me. i dont know which one is me, i never feel right in my skin.
I want to disappear.
if i do come out, i can't even imagine how bad school will be. and home would be even worse. it makes the suicidal thoughts so bad, and the only way i can get rid of them is by relapsing. theres something about the sting, the blood, the pain, that makes me feel calm. its my fucked up way of achieving peace with myself. but I can't do it anymore. my mum found out, and now shes always staring at my arms like they're some sort of fucking zoo animal.
and what makes everything so exhausting all the time is the constant mask im wearing. to everyone i know im a (somewhat) mentally okay girl who just likes talking about music, but deep down im forcing screams of pain and agony from my mind down because i cant break in front of people. it happened once, im not letting it happen again. but i need to take this mask off. its the only way I can heal. i have to let myself break to get better again, but i cant. i can't deal with any more pain, suffering, bullying, teasing, and it makes me sick. im so sick and tired of not being able to do anything about it. it feels like im just a puppet master in control of my body, because i know my body isnt who i am.
but i don't even know who i am anymore. i have so many personalities that I change from to the point where reality and identity is distorted to me. i dont know which one is me, i never feel right in my skin.
I want to disappear.
scariest shit happened today
Oct. 22nd, 2025 07:20 pmbro scariest shit happened today so me and my irl bsf was sitting in a churchyard talking and then this guy comes in and he keeps talking about how hes gonna kill someone all joyful abt it n then he turns around and has a full back pocket full of knives dude i hate this town sm there's literally stabbings every other week.
im not even exaggerating when i say that there's stabbings often here. there was one last week and the victim was a child. a CHILD. for no reason.
it makes my paranoia horribly fucking worse
im not even exaggerating when i say that there's stabbings often here. there was one last week and the victim was a child. a CHILD. for no reason.
it makes my paranoia horribly fucking worse
im so tired of everything
Sep. 30th, 2025 10:42 pmfirst i got nearly beat up today (well they kinda fucking did until my wife started shouting at them), M is making me want to cut bcs of how insufferable she's become after meeting HP, my dad was pissed for no reason, im exhausted, i feel sick, urges have been none stop for like an hour now.
fuck my life dude, i genuinely hope someone stabs me to death.
fuck my life dude, i genuinely hope someone stabs me to death.
rant about M and HP again
Sep. 28th, 2025 05:54 ami think M has just fully replaced me now. Her and HP are matching on everything, they're making appreciation posts for each other, and M doesn't shut the fuck up about HP. it makes me so upset how im putting every ounce of effort to keep the friendship going and she puts nothing back in. she says she cares about me but i know she doesn't. she only loves HP, and nothing will change my mind on that now.
she rarely ever texts me first now, because she's always texting HP. if something interesting happens in her life, it just goes to HP. she doesn't even bother telling me anything.
i did EVERYTHING for her. i gave up my time, comforted her so many times, broke up with my boyfriend for her, dated her, saved her from getting manipulated, put her before everyone else, and now shes leaving me for some brainrotted fucking freak.
M, i wish you could see how badly you're hurting me.
she rarely ever texts me first now, because she's always texting HP. if something interesting happens in her life, it just goes to HP. she doesn't even bother telling me anything.
i did EVERYTHING for her. i gave up my time, comforted her so many times, broke up with my boyfriend for her, dated her, saved her from getting manipulated, put her before everyone else, and now shes leaving me for some brainrotted fucking freak.
M, i wish you could see how badly you're hurting me.
my parents keep saying the n word (we're fucking british) and saying that jewish ppl are bad n shit (they're also neo nazis). obviously this is making me fucking pissed off because who the actual fuck does that? i told my dad to shut the fuck up and he just shouted at me. They also HATE immigrants. but I'm just gonna say this now, IMMIGRANTS ARENT YOUR ENEMY. IT IS THE GOVERNMENT THAT IS.
this whole thing is really reminding me of how the hunger games represented government. mass censorship (president snow), overconsumerism (the capitol), and literally so much ore but I can't talk about it bcs i have to go to school soon. Who knows I actually might do a yap on how the hunger games represents the gov later
anyways i have pe for two hours today. kms
have a nice day chat
this whole thing is really reminding me of how the hunger games represented government. mass censorship (president snow), overconsumerism (the capitol), and literally so much ore but I can't talk about it bcs i have to go to school soon. Who knows I actually might do a yap on how the hunger games represents the gov later
anyways i have pe for two hours today. kms
have a nice day chat
